...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
