There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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