Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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