dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
