I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
