This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
