Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize