Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize