she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
