How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
