Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
