Your face is a jimmy john
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
