I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
