I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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