You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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