If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
