He passed out mid-signature
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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