i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
