omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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