After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The uberlube is also flammable
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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