u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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