i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
