Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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