then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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