Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
