you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
