I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
