god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
