I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I will be naked everywhere
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
