I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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