my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I can't put those talents on a resume
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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