The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
