I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
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I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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