So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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