i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
