So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
