She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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