i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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