I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Can you bring me the toilet please
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
