If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
