I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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