Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
