oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
