it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
