It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
