As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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