i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
