hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
