do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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