I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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