It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
