do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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