everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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