I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
