Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
