I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He shit in the fireplace
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
