Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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