When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
