after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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